Decision

Not my day today but there are few things I realized. Well, one day big change in my life should happen and it should lead to one of my dreams no matter how silly they may seem. In my whole life I had two wishes that never left me for some reason - one becoming a game designer - specialized in 3d modeling. The other one was having my own game store/hobby store.

I'm no good at 3d modeling and probably won't ever be. We will see about this, if I manage to finish school with that specialization. But still school makes me nervous and I've encountered one person I can't stand and that is really bad. I thought I would kill him.
My parents create another tension from the other side. They want me to finish the school, with the best results if possible etc. and that's really what they care about. With my diploma they expect me to work in a big company and earn a lot of money etc. No matter what they imagination is, this is exactly something I can't stand and won't be able to endure for a long time. I've spent few years working and trying to earn money. I spent some time doing all kind of statistical analysis, translating, software testing, doing websites, graphical design and typography. I also ended up at call center and IT help line. None of this is something I'd like to do. I just can't stand the local hierarchy and system. It's killing me. I've done loads of work and did not really get paid. (Rare-Items is an exception)

Two days ago at Grand Prix trial I realized one thing. The games I lost were lost primarily for one reason - not enough self-confidence. When I feel that the chances of me winning a game are getting too low (but still with quite a big chance of winning in other people's terms) I change the way I play. I don't aim to win but do some silly illogical plays. (I knew I could continue in game one and maybe even win, but I did not proceed in that way. Why? Because I counted the game already lost...why? self-confidence.)
I think it's time to change this. In a game of magic I usually have the "power" to win the game but I don't do it. It's time to be confident and "to win" in real life though. I know I can do this, there are many things I can achieve and my life taught me that I'm very capable person. The problem is that I don't feel like one...

Now I can try to realize my dream. I don't feel capable of doing it, but my brain tells me that it is completely feasible. With another person on my side whom I trust, this seems more than just feasible. I feel that this could work. That there is something that could grow. Should I believe this or not? I believe in it, but I don't trust myself...is there anyone who does?

My parents really don't help me in this. Seems like they are destroying all my hope and confidence I ever had. I don't know if I still have any left. Let them read it I don't care. I just can't stand this anymore. I wish to realize my dream and keep to it. 13 years of a dream, that has to mean something...
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OT: I read Lauma's blog post today and there are things I agree with and some I don't. I had similar thoughts as her probably for the past two years.
Part of the Dance Game community has made a hell of my life, another part made it heaven. Both are past. There are still good things that will last and I wish to hold on to them. But I was never really of that 'community'.
There's one thing I'm always coming back to ... Magic. I've spend a lot of time thinking about whether it's a good thing or bad (me coming back to the game and related stuff). It all comes back to 'GOOD', even though everyone says 'no'. All the impacts of me coming back to the game were positive in the end unlike with many other stuff. I just keep coming back. This game always announced big change in my life and maybe it truly is a time for another one. Major one. No matter if I end up without money and place to live. It should be me dealing with the consequences. I've come to the Czech Republic to get back on my feet. The time has come to do something.